Have gun, Will travel

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

posted at 7:52 AM

It's Econs paper tomorrow, and I'm here... blogging.

I don't know, there have been so many things going on and on and on in my mind.

That day, I broke down.

I went out of the reading room, sat along the dark dark corridor and cried. The girl sitting near there must have thought I was crazy, maybe she was like me, lost.

That moment, whatsapp, Watermelons' conversation was bustling with activity. Everyone was discussing about how they might get retained and asking questions. And the usual me, had to come down with an existential crisis at that moment.

Not knowing why I existed. I've gotten so used to asking myself that question and replying myself with "I don't know.".

And then I.... became really angst. Let it out on all my friends. I don't even know why I did that, without the fear of them even ignoring me in the future, I just let it all out. Perhaps, it's because I know they won't judge me, or maybe because they know I've been an insecure freak even since the start of Secondary 4.

And their replies sounded angry... and desperate. Perhaps angry at me for still not wanting to accept who I am and desperate to get a point across to me - that god was fair to everyone. Still, I raged on and on and till the one who had been MIA-ing the entire time stepped in and said some pretty stern words. For her, anyway. And then, for her to sound so pissed, I got a lil' scared (if you see this, no I'm not scared), and stopped.

And then the consequences of what I've done might have caused sank in. That day might have been the last day I'll ever ever talk to anyone of them ever again. Then, I got so afraid. Because the thought of having to be alone again after 8 years of loneliness freaked me out. That 8 years scarred me, really deeply.

That's why I treasure them so badly. If I were to lose them, I don't know what I'd do. I've never been so proud of any of my friends before. In 8 years, I never got to say that someone was truly... my friend. And when Secondary 3 came, just when I'd thought I spend the rest of my life alone. They appeared. And I am so grateful and am still so very grateful that they are willing to put up with a person like me.

Someone who people have avoided for the first 6 years of education. Someone who couldn't fit in in the 7th to 8th year.

I found them. A group of friends. Where I can be myself, get judged, but they know it's me.

I just really wanna say I love you guys.

Whether you see this, or not.

Jiayou for Promos guys, we can do it. Together.