If you'd observe me in school, you'd think I might have spent a few years in the nunnery (well technically a nunnery for 4 years), when in fact I have already spend the past 7 months in an environment called society (that's right, boys and girls = society) 

I have absolutely no idea why, but being in a mixed school for 7 months, one would expect someone to have opened himself/herself up to the opposite gender or at least be able to hold a conversation with him/her, but no, it's not happening, or rather, I don't think it's ever going to happen. 

I don't know why, I'm so socially awkward I feel like slapping myself at times. I have not been able to hold a conversation with a guy for more than 5 minutes (unless it's about serious matters), but casual talk... no, not yet. You see, for me to hold a conversation, I see that there is an absolute need to have eye to eye contact and without eye contact, the conversation simply cannot go on. And I cannot have eye contact with guys, and therefore, I have never had any proper conversations with any guys. 

I'm not desperate to have a conversation with a guy, but when I see my other classmates or any other girl in fact, chatting with people of the opposite gender like they're having so much fun, I'm absolutely puzzled as to how they do it. They look so relaxed and everything, whilst when I'm talking with a guy it's just the 'yes' and 'no's or basically, one sentence replies (or sometimes, when I can't find a suitable reply, I just... keep quiet, best way to cause misunderstandings (Y)) 

Therefore today, I sat down and seriously thought over why can't I look at a guy in the eye or hold a proper conversation with a guy. And the final conclusion is... I'm not confident enough. 

I'm so afraid of people judging me. (Won't girls judge you? Isn't it the same thing?) Well, being in a nunnery for 4 years, I've been trained to know that girls judge all the time (most of the time) and it really doesn't bother me that much anymore; but the point is, I have been in a nunnery and I have no idea as to how the mind of a male works.

I feel so embarrassed to talk to guys because I feel like I’m actually subjecting them to eye torture. Like I’m not aesthetically pleasing enough for them. As in, I just feel like they wouldn’t be interested in talking to me because I’m probably plain and boring. And I’m not worthy enough of their help and stuff. Oh god, I being so incoherent going on about this point so just let me stop here.

(Before I go on, I feel like there’s a need to emphasize once again that I have no urgent desire to talk to guys, it’s just me feeling so socially awkward that I have to write a blog post about this crisis in life.)

My daily interaction with guys in school goes like this.

Scenario 1: When we accidentally make eye contact (ACCIDENTALLY)

Socially awkward me: Oh shit, what if he thinks I’m flirting. What if he thinks I’m getting way above myself because I’m like some fat ugly duckling and I’m still trying to flirt omg? Omg I need to avoid eye contact. Look away now. Oh shit, I looked away too fast, now what if I make the wrong impression that I like him. OMG. What if he thinks that I’ve been staring at him all this while?! God kill me now.

Scenario 2: When he offers to help take something

Socially awkward me:  I’d really prefer to carry this on my own but some help would be nice too. But omg I feel so bad. OMG what if he thinks I’m trying to get close to him even though I’m some fat ugly duckling (really, I’m really a fat ugly duckling, I mean it.) Let’s say 'no thank you'. Shit. What if he thinks I’m like playing hard to get even though I’m some fat ugly duckling. Oh shit, he’s going to hate me for life. NOOOOOOOO.

(And many other scenarios which will take an eternity if I type them out)

But yes, I’m so socially awkward around guys okay. And I’m so sick of it, I just want to be friends with everyone and talk and have fun with everyone. But I’m just so socially awkward ugh.

(And if this were a youtube video: Please leave your comments down below if you’re a fellow socially awkward friend or if you have any tips on how to overcome this mind effing matter, please comment down below as well! 

(I do have this strong inner desire to be a Youtuber… Don’t judge me)